Welcome back to Race to Git Gud, where I’m plowing my way through FromSoftware’s punishing hits with the determination of someone just slightly above average. Today, our brave idiot hero Meep Geese awakens in a prison cell, ready to be broken by the world of Dark Souls once again.

We begin in the Undead Asylum, with Meep locked away thanks to the good ol’ Darksign—doomed to the cycle of death, rebirth, and slow descent into madness. A clatter from above, and a body drops in with a key. Cool. Normal. A mysterious knight in armor frees us from eternal damnation, and Meep is back on the loose.

I sprint through the Asylum’s halls on instinct—my fingers remembering these hallways better than I do. Bonfire lit. Doors opened. And boom: the Asylum Demon drops in. I’ve only got a broken sword, but I decide I’m feeling confident. Or cocky. Or stupid.

Turns out I’m rusty—just like my weapon—and bail on the fight halfway through. I grab the Spider Shield, the Battle Axe, and run through the fog gate like a true speedrunner coward. With real weapons in hand, I turn around and erase the Asylum Demon in record time. Tutorial boss? Down.

Cue the Taxi Bird—and welcome to Firelink Shrine, our central hub. There’s a firekeeper. A sad boy who insults me. A religious guy with the worst haircut in the game. But I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to Git Gud.

I make a pitstop at the graveyard to snag a few goodies: some souls, a spear I’ll never use, and the meme legend itself—the Zweihander. I’m going for a Quality Build: 40 Strength, 40 Dexterity, all the good stuff. The Zwei will be the centerpiece, and I dump points into Strength, Dex, and Endurance.

But there’s a problem: the Zwei is enormous. To stay agile, I strip off all my armor and commit to the Fast Roll Life™. I sprint through the Undead Burg, narrowly dodge a sewer rat, and make a slight detour to kill the merchant for the Uchigatana (RIP).

Then I find myself facing a Black Knight. These guys are miniboss-tier enemies, scorched remnants of Lord Gwyn’s elite. I backstab him repeatedly with the big sword, but no weapon drop—just some Titanite. Still useful, but… man, I wanted that blade.

Fueled by hubris and one (1) successful Black Knight kill, I head up the tower toward the next boss: Taurus Demon. I forget the archers are up top and catch a bolt in the back. After clearing them out, I pull the classic plunging attack, slam the Zwei into his skull a few times, and boom—he’s toast. No Demon’s Greataxe, though. Shame.

Next up: the Hellkite Drake. I sprint across the bridge and catch a face full of fire. First death. Totally avoidable. Painful. I eventually make it through and run into another Black Knight in a tower. He nearly ends me, but I clutch it out. Still no weapon drop. I’m beginning to feel cursed.

Then I see him: Mr. Big Pig. I get cocky and charge in. Second death. But vengeance is swift and bacon is on the menu. Meep proudly equips the Fanged Boar Helm, the only correct fashion choice in this game. I also pick up the Claymore, a.k.a. Big Boy Sword #2, and continue my journey.

Through the Burg I go—slicing up Baldur Knights, dodging chaos, and hitting my stride. I upgrade the Claymore and the Boar Helm at Blacksmith Andre, dunk on a Shield Knight in the church, snag a Firekeeper Soul, and take the elevator back to Firelink.

But rust strikes again.

I get parried by a Baldur Knight. Embarrassing. I recover, but the real trouble comes from the Channeler, a noob-stomping miniboss who powers up the mobs around him. I die. Third time. Then again. Fourth death. I finally kill him, but he takes his trident to the grave.

I free Lautrec, promptly dropkick him off a ledge back at Firelink, and steal his ring—the Ring of Favor and Protection. Extra HP, stamina, and equip load? Yes, please. Meep finally gets to wear pants again. Progress.

I sprint up the stairs toward the Gargoyles.

Stay tuned for more. It’s only going to get messier from here.

Daily Stats

Total Playthrough Time: 45 minutes

Total Deaths: 4

Bosses Defeated Today:

• Asylum Demon
  
• Taurus Demon