Welcome back to Race to Git Gud, the series where I plow through Dark Souls like an average man having an above-average midlife crisis. Today, Meep Geese sets out to move the story forward, collect some Lord Souls, and—against all odds—add more notches to Gravity’s ever-growing kill count.

Firelink to Catacombs – The Reunion Tour

We begin at Firelink Shrine, where the bonfire’s warm glow feels like a hug you know won’t last. Meep strolls past the chatty NPCs—sad boy missing, miracle man still rocking the worst hair in the game—before high-fiving a few skeletons down in the graveyard. We reminisce about that first Zweihander grab, a simpler time when I thought big swords equaled big wins.

Then it’s into the Catacombs, where the game says, “Hope you like enemies that don’t stay dead.” Out comes the Divine Club, because the Black Knight Halberd might be my baby, but it doesn’t put skeletons down for good. For those following along at home: you can grab an Occult Club in Anor Londo and roll it back to a Divine +5. That’s your skeleton delete button. You’re welcome.

Gravity: The Franchise’s True Villain

The Catacombs themselves are fine—unless you’re me, in which case they’re a bottomless pit buffet. Sure, you can do the slick speedrun drops to skip half the level, but one missed ledge and you’re plunging faster than the stock price of Cyberpunk 2077 at launch.

Five deaths later, the place looks like a Meep Geese crime scene recreation. Bonewheel Skeletons roll in to finish what gravity starts, and I—still believing I’m better than I actually am—skip activating the bonfire near the Skeleton Blacksmith. That decision will haunt me.

Eventually, my brain catches up to my reflexes and I start actually learning the drop spots instead of guessing. I roll into Pinwheel’s lair—a large shoebox with mood lighting—and the franchise’s least threatening boss gets in exactly one decent hit before folding like a wet paper bag. Mask of the Father? Check. Rite of Kindling? Check. Mask of the Child is still my favorite for the stamina regen, but anything’s better than the Mask of the Mother.

Tomb of the Giants – OSHA’s Worst Nightmare

Next stop: the Tomb of the Giants, aka “Let’s make a level where you can’t see anything.” I’m one of the lucky few who snagged a Skeleton Lantern earlier, but even so, visibility is trash.

Patches gets unceremoniously kicked off a ledge because you can’t have him NOT betray you later—it’s about sending a message. I sprint past human skeletons, giant skeletons, and skeleton dogs, dying once to a particularly bite-happy pupper and six more times to—you guessed it—gravity.

By the time I stumble into Nito’s disco cavern, I’m ready to uninstall. Fortunately, the Divine Club makes short work of his minions. I swap back to the Halberd, eat a few magic sword stabs from the floor, and put the Gravelord to bed. First Lord Soul secured. Death count: embarrassingly high.

New Londo – Ghost Party Central

If the Tomb is my most hated area, New Londo is one of my favorites. Ghosts immediately swarm you like an unwanted group hug, forcing you to chug Transient Curses if you want to fight back. Pro tip: never look behind you when sprinting—you don’t want to see the spectral conga line forming.

Lowering the water floods the place with Darkwraiths, my personal favorite enemies in the game. They’ve got it all—style, moveset, slab drops—and I’ve farmed them so much in past runs their parry timings are tattooed on my brain.

Eventually, it’s time to face the Four Kings. You drop into pure darkness wearing the Abyss ring from Sif, wait for the first King to materialize, and start swinging. It’s a DPS race—kill them fast or get swarmed. I could have cheesed them with Havel’s Armor and a fire weapon, but Meep doesn’t do dairy. All four return to the void without much fuss. Second Lord Soul down.

Detour: Gwyndolin’s Long Hallway

Before chasing more Souls, I take a quick detour to see everyone’s favorite moon-god illusionist, Dark Sun Gwyndolin. His boss arena is one extremely long hallway where he pelts you with arrows, magic blasts, and the occasional passive-aggressive glare.

Stick to the walls, roll through the magic, sprint like a caffeinated courier, and close the distance. One good combo and he’s done, leaving behind some sweet loot and another tick on Meep’s “Bosses Who Regret Inviting Me” list.

Seath the Scaleless – How to Not Prepare for a Fight

Back in Anor Londo, it’s time to visit Seath the Scaleless. First meeting? Instant death. No Rare Ring of Sacrifice. No Purging Stone. Just a big ol’ curse and half a health bar.

I wake up in a prison cell—nostalgic, really—and immediately kill the guard to steal the key. The prison design is questionable: you keep all your weapons, armor, and healing items. Seems like a flaw.

Some joker upstairs pulls a lever to blast his terrible trance playlist over the loudspeakers, and I have to go unplug him. Snake Eater-ladder my way out, past the stair puzzles, and finally into the peaceful castle garden. Two deaths total here—one scripted, one earned.

Crystal Cave – Don’t Look Down

The path to Seath takes me through the Crystal Cave, a zone with invisible walkways that exist purely to make you doubt your eyesight. Moonlight Butterflies float around like callbacks to earlier, easier days, but there’s no time for sightseeing.

Clams guard the boss arena, and trust me—you don’t want them joining mid-fight. Once they’re gone, I smash Seath’s crystal and take advantage of his now-existent health bar. He goes down without surrendering his tail, but I wasn’t planning to use the Moonlight Greatsword anyway. Third Lord Soul in the bag.

Setting Up for the DLC

With three Souls collected, I’ve got two paths forward:

• Go grab the last Lord Soul from the worst-designed boss in the series.
  
• Or head into the Artorias of the Abyss DLC and fight some of the best bosses in the series.
  

That’s not a hard choice. Hydra? Dead. Golden golem? Dead. Dusk? Rescued. Broken Pendant? Collected. Back in Darkroot Gardens, I get yanked into Oolacile by a giant hand. Rude.

Daily Stats

• Total Playthrough Time: 5h 17m
  
• Total Deaths: 21
  
• Bosses Defeated:
  
  • Gravelord Nito
    
  • Seath the Scaleless
    
  • Four Kings
    
  • Pinwheel
    
  • Dark Sun Gwyndolin
    

Stay tuned—next time we’re going to the past. There will be new friends, old horrors, and possibly more gravity. Probably more gravity.