Welcome back to Race to Git Gud, the series where I sprint through Dark Souls with the misguided confidence of someone who watched a single car repair video on YouTube and now thinks they can rebuild a transmission. Today, Meep Geese takes a detour into the Royal Gardens of yesterday, rubs elbows with a few legendary knights, and finds out that “past” doesn’t mean “peaceful.”

Wake Up, Swing Sword, Repeat

Meep wakes up in yet another weird tunnel, unsure of where—or even when—he is. A few steps forward and… oh, right, there’s a boss here. The Sanctuary Guardian is a mash-up monster: body of a lion, tail of a scorpion, wings of an eagle, and the ability to make you fear turtles forever. It’s here, it exists, it dies quickly, and its soul is eaten without a second thought.

A short stroll later, I meet a giant mushroom who talks like a patient grandma and point me toward the DLC’s central bonfire.

Garden Tour with Hostile Landscaping

The Royal Wood is gorgeous—lush greenery, rolling paths, crumbling ruins—and also full of towering Stone Guardians and smaller gardener enemies who would really prefer you not be here. The Guardians can drop a fantastic Strength weapon if RNG loves you, but today’s luck stat is firmly in the “meh” range.

A few skips, rolls, and “nope” runs later, I’m on a pair of elevators that reveal just how massive this area really is. Before long, I’m standing outside a wide, ominous arena.

Artorias: The King of the DLC

Knight Artorias, the Abysswalker, is the name in Dark Souls lore—legendary for holding back the Abyss at the cost of his life. His grave is where you fight Sif in the main game.

Artorias drops in from the ceiling in a full superhero landing, stabbing a monster mid-entrance before turning to me like I just interrupted his lunch break. He’s fast, relentless, and absolutely the best fight in the game.

But Meep is ready. I remember my college victory, the careful spacing, the pattern recognition. We trade blows, I dodge through his corrupted lunges, and with some Estus to spare, Artorias falls. His soul goes toward crafting the Gold and Silver Tracers—part trophy, part tribute.

Township Terrors

Past the arena lies my old PvP stomping grounds: Oolacile Township. Big-headed abominations run around like failed Halloween costumes, and I carve through them on my way down into the collapsing city.

The Abyss’ influence is everywhere—buildings tilt and crumble, platforms break apart underfoot, and sorcerers lob black magic from rooftops. I die a few times to sloppy movement, but overall, progress is steady. The further down you go, the more the area feels swallowed by darkness.

Saving Sif and Meeting the Big Hand

At the bottom, the “enemies” stop being soldiers or sorcerers and start being Humanity sprites—literal blobs of the stuff we’ve been using like Tic Tacs all game. Somewhere in the darkness, you can free a young Sif from a prison of shadows, and I do, because I’m not a monster. This unlocks the option to summon him later, but I forget to actually use it. Classic.

Then it happens: two massive red eyes staring from the void. A drop into a pitch-black arena. Manus, Father of the Abyss—the big hand who yanked me into the past—is ready to end me.

Manus hits hard, but his tells are clear, and once you read his rhythm, he’s beatable. People rank him among the hardest bosses in the game, but for my money, Artorias was the bigger challenge. After a clean fight (and a little regret about not summoning Sif), Manus collapses, and the bonfire is lit.

The Dragon on the Bridge

One more boss to go in the DLC: Black Dragon Kalameet. We first met him earlier when he dropped onto a bridge and gave me the medieval equivalent of the “you’re next” gesture.

When I approach his arena, Kalameet rains down fire from above, staying well out of reach. Time for the ace in the hole: Hawkeye Gough. This blind giant knight, master of the greatbow, lands a perfect 360-no-scope headshot from across the map, dropping Kalameet to the ground where I can reach him.

Patience Pays Off

Kalameet’s ground fight is all about spacing and patience. He punishes greed, his fire breath can fill the arena, and his physical attacks hit like a freight train. But with careful dodging and slow, deliberate counter-attacks, he goes down.

The reward? His ring—which activates Dark Souls hard mode if you really hate yourself. I take it, nod respectfully, and warp back to Firelink Shrine.

Next Stop: Painted World

Meep’s next move is to warp to Anor Londo, walk up to the massive cathedral painting, and approach with the Strange Doll in hand. Whatever’s inside is waiting, and it’s probably not friendly.

Daily Stats

• Total Playthrough Time: 6h 30m
  
• Total Deaths: 24
  
• Bosses Defeated:
  
  • Sanctuary Guardian
    
  • Artorias of the Abyss
    
  • Manus, Father of the Abyss
    
  • Black Dragon Kalameet
    

Stay tuned—next time, Meep takes a “calming” stroll through a world of polite murderers, faces the single worst boss in Dark Souls, and finally confronts the game’s ultimate foe.